we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
