Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
