I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
