people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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