I'm so fucking centered right now
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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