I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
pop tarts are not kleenex
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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