nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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