my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize