i already hear my dad disowning me
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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