I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
