i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
