They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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