Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
