evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
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Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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