If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
sex in a hospital.. check
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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