Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
