Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
