I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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