I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
