my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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