I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
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Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
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I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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