I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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