like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
