he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
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all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
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I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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