the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Randomize
