I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
