Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
