i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This house was built for laser tag.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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