I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
