How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
