Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
