I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
