Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
