Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
