Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
