you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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