I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
