oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
