Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
