Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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