Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
