the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
