you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
