i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
