Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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