you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They are going to name an STD after you.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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