Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.