I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
