someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
