peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
