Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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