I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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