Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
