In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
